Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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