Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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