im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Can you bring me the toilet please
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
