I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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