The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You need a sexual gate keeper
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
