I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize