Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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