I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
