My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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