You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
