Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
