i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
