There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
