How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Sober January is a disaster.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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