I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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