yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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