I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
