i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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