You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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