I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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