yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
