Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
