There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
