yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
