u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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