how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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