I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
