Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She's the barista slut.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
