i jhust puked up my retainher.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
