I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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