I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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