I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you win again, gameday.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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