New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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