you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
