She's JV to your varsity
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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