you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
