he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
