Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is my gift to your gina
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
