Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
nutella sex= disaster
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
