your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
