I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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