Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
