Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
