So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
