he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sext me about skeletons
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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