he looks like a really good dad on facebook
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
