I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
