I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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