The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We need to get me chipped asap
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
