Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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