just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
