I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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