he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
someone owes me an orgasm
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
