If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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