someone threw a dead crab at me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
