My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Sorry about my life...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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