im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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