im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
