Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
