he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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