my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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