I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize