Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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