Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
